A Day in the Life

Wed, 09 May 2007 02:50:26 GMT

It’s a lot of different things, but mainly one thing is annoying me more than it should. Today I called Ann at around 3 to make plans to have dinner, and she completely blew me off AGAIN later on when I called her after work. “I’m more tired than hungry, I think I’m gonna go take a nap.” I said, “you’re kidding me?” and she’s like “what” and I’m like “aww, you always ditch me.” and she said, “we’ll go to lunch tomorrow” and I said “I can’t tomorrow… whatever. Have a nice nap. Guess I’ll talk to you later.” Then she apologized.

Whatever.

Why can’t I be “whatever” with friends here? It’ll save me so much aggravation. I’m so sick of these people. Even if she didn’t mean it, the fact is, she’s been playing with me for the entire year about getting food, and ALWAYS comes up with some excuse. I’m so sick of it. I deserve better than that. Fuck, I wanted to hang out with you before I leave next year, but I don’t want it that bad.

Bitch. People need to start meaning what they say and saying what they mean.

Almost nobody falls through. I’m so tired of this.

What else? I don’t know. Lots of things are bothering me subconsciously, but mainly this stupid thing with Ann. I don’t know why I got all excited about seeing her, I don’t know why I actually believed her. And what’s even more annoying is that she has no idea I’m feeling this way right now. I know she didn’t intend on hurting me, but the fact that she said “YES” when I asked her if she wanted to hang out is fucked up. She needs to stick by what she says.

Fucked up. Fuck it.

And now Heather had the NERVE to send me a text asking me if I could give Shani her gift from her. Ridiculous. Not only does she KNOW I wanted to be her Big, not only do I not get to be her Big, I have to be the fucking messenger from Heather- her Big.

People are fucking retarded, I’m telling you.

Thu, 03 May 2007 09:57:00 GMT

My dream came true!

Disgusting

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 06:16:48 GMT

32 students killed at Virginia Tech this morning by a gunman who later shot himself. And for what? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Disgusting.
This world gives me the creeps sometimes.

Sat, 24 Feb 2007 00:29:10 GMT

Craziest couple of days...
I've got 3midterms next week. Bio on Mon, and Chem and Psych Tues. And now, fucking Bio midterm was delayed, and all this stress to get everything done... for nothing!
I'm so glad I got that email before shabbat, so I can actually relax and not think about school this weekend.
Cocktail's tomorrow night!! I'm super excited :D

Mon, 12 Feb 2007 05:56:08 GMT

If only life were as beautiful as this spanish melody...
Gloria Estefan- Ayer

Thu, 23 Nov 2006 01:29:18 GMT

I really should be studying right now. I've got 5 finals coming up, and I sure as hell wont be studying this weekend...
It's Wednesday night, and practically all of UCI has gone home to be with family for Thanksgiving. I leave early tomorrow morning to pick up my brother from USC, and then home from there.
So Flora, how's life? Great! I've been very happy lately, thank God. I just wish I spent more time studying... I think this year is one of the worst for me, procrastination wise. But, in my defense, my classes make it so easy for one to procrastinate. Plus- I am so sick of my classes. I recall registering for my classes summer after high school, and was advised not to take more than 4 classes. I remember thinking that was absurd- I could handle more, and even more so- I SHOULD take more. But now I realize what they meant- UC's, and especially the quarter system, has the tendency to burn you out. Oh well... I guess this is my way of BSing myself out of studying...
Facebook is awesome. We had a speaker come to UCI, one of the producer people. He was hot, and he spoke about facebook and its office, and how many people (you'de be surprised at the number) drop out of college to work at Facebook. By God, the founder was a Harvard Jew that started a little profile thingy that people thought was interesting... and look how fast its developed.
Anyways... can't wait to go home tomorrow. The plan is to leave early, and thus avoid the aweful traffic today.
I'm going to an Israeli girl's birthday party with Gal tonight. Hopefully it'll be fun, and hopefully I wont see ---- there. :).
I'm gonna lose some weight after this holiday. AND- I'm gonna start cooking in my apt.
What else can I say? OO my birthday's coming up! :D I'm gonna be NINETEEEEEENNNNN that's crazy. There are so many November birthdays!
Hopefully, I'll be in Israel this winter break for 10 days on a trip called birthright. Don't ask what I had to go through to get on it, but at least I learned a lot from the process.
Going there will definitely fill me up, and change the way I look at my life.
I've needed this trip for the past 5.5 years. It's been my one wish, the one thing I would give anything to have. And there you have it!

Happiness! Holidays rock!

Sun, 08 Oct 2006 19:18:56 GMT

I'm home but heading back to Irvine in a few mins. Just wanted to say that these past couple of days have bee packed full of stuff... and not the kind of stuff you'd expect. Just a lot of soul searching, I guess you could say. The resulting feeling is riveting.
I feel like i'm in a cloud. And I can't really explain why, or how it happened. I guess you'll just have to trust my words :)
Life is good. I've learned that it's best to make peace with what you get.. and enjoy it. A newfound understanding of my life and the world has lifted me, and I can honestly say i've never been closer to the stars in my life.

Fri, 07 Jul 2006 06:08:09 GMT

Watch the movie Paperclips. Just, stop whatever it is that you're doing, and go watch it.
Seriously.
Go.
Stop reading this!!!

Tue, 23 May 2006 06:58:48 GMT

Perhaps if I spend less time hating everyone around me, more love will be found deep within me.

Thu, 20 Apr 2006 05:10:09 GMT

So tomorrow I get to eat bread again... yaaaay! (if you're lost, go read about passover. i don't feel like explaining it again). It's probably a good thing, cuz i've been so hungry, i've only been eating this box of Matzah I have in my dorm and like stuff on it, like margarine. Oh, and pickles. But yay for losing weight, though!

So a friend of mine betrayed me, I got mad at him, didn't talk for weeks...blah blah blah. I don't know where that's going and currently don't really care.

I'm eating Matzah right now. The passover seder at home was just what i needed. Oh, and Megan, i drove by your house and got flooded with memories. I miss you dear.
<3

Fri, 07 Apr 2006 20:32:46 GMT

I don't know if u can see this picture or not... but if you can, this is exactly how i felt on the trip to New Orleans. It's so funny how one picture can just capture my feelings. If you look closely, at my eyes and the lines on my face, you can tell I'm very tired, and frustrated, and yet i'm smiling despite it all. I'm happy yet utterly drained. I'm content but only because I'm strong enough to force myself. I'm learning from everything and everyone around me, and utilizing the experience for the greatest benifit, and yet longing to just escape to my little comfort zone.
If you can't see it, just look on facebook or myspace, it's the one of me and the white mask :)

My Trip to Nawrlins

Mon, 03 Apr 2006 22:45:27 GMT

So yeah... New Orleans, LA... and stupid principal of a Jewish high school in Irvine (TVT) kept telling us we had to pronounce it "Nawrlins"... psh, dumbass. He annoyed me. Actually, a lot of people annoyed me on the trip. It was the perfect setting for one to become annoyed from everyone and everything. No, I did not enjoy my trip. But boy am I glad I went. I am. It taught me so much about what's going on in this world. What I have and how appreciative I should be. Believe it or not, driving through a devastated city, stuck in the company of people who like to talk 24/7 about useless crap and can't seem to shut their mouths (oh glorious bus rides) is not what I consider a vacation. We "gutted" one of the houses in a neighbohood called Rosemerry. Gutted, mind you, means taking everything out and placing (throwing, rather) it on the curb to be burnt, readying the house to be torn down. Man. Talk about a wake-up call. It's one thing to view devastated houses through the bus window and going 'holy shit, look at that roof/door/wall, it's completely destroyed', and going 'a family actually lived here'. This is their lives we're talking about... pictures, books, TV, a sofa... everything everything everything.. just... destroyed. You walk in and the first thing you smell is mold, the filthy combination of water and wood, and the first thing you see is a line on the wall (usually about 8 inches high) indicating where the water came up to. It's enough to give you shivers and make you sick to your stomach. A family lost all of this... and so very swiftly. Going on this trip was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. It's been 7 mouths since Katrina, and still a lot of debris is just laying there... some areas have more than others, like the 9th ward. It's just, people don't get it through their heads that help is needed. Now that it's out of the news and all the water's gone, people are trying to re-start their lives. This can be easy if, say, you're in your 30's or even 50's and you can manage finding a new job and house. But what if you're a person thingking about retiring? How hard would it be to just start over? And for those paying morgage on their houses- get this- they have to still fucking pay, even though they don't even live there anymore. Sick. Most New Orleans citizens are pretty pissed at the government right now for letting those two canals break... plus, now that Hurricane Season is nearing (June), they're not the slightest bit comforted by the fact that it's the same people in charge of them now as they were before Katrina. And not to mention, knowing that more Americans volunteered relief efforts for Tsunami than for Katrina is no comfort either. The most chilling thing was fininding a newspaper in the house (all wet and demolishing) from the DATE of the hurricane Aug 29, 2005 stating "Katrina: it's getting worse" (or something to that effect). The governor urged people to evacuate on that night, and while the majority of them did and thankfully, had a place to go (either Memphis or Houseton), very few actually came back. Most of those that are living there now were born and raised there, and can't just up and go so easily. I didn't have my camera, but everyone else was taking pretty much the same pictures, and they can always send em to me. While we spent the mornings and afternoons volunteering, we had the evenings to go out clubbing. We went to a 18+ bar on the Tulane campus where a cute drunk jew boy bought me a drink and I danced to country music... bizzar. We also went to a "Texas-style" bar on Burboun street and saw a topless chick rid the fake bull... people get pretty crazy on that street. Although I grew pretty tired of our group, at least my big Gal and twin Liron went on this trip, and we definitely grew closer. I had some good talks with them, and realized just how lucky I am to have them in my life. And every day I called my family and my best friend Matt... the first day I even cried to my mom on the phone... but that was a combination of fatigue and frustration. After I landed in LAX, I went to Liron's house and Meir picked me up from there. I slept at his dorm and in the morning (after having to jumpstart his car b/c of the fucked up battery) we left for Vegas and met my family at the Tropicana hotel. It was sweet... had some quality time with my grandpa. On saturday we walked around and my mom bought me a margarita... how cool is that? And in Nevada (like Louisiana) you can drink in public (as I did on the infamous Burboun street in the French Quarter). This was the first time I managed to be in 3 different states within a span of two days. At some point during the trip (in New Orleans) we had a flat tire and just happened to stop in front of a lower-class high school where salsa lessons were being taught, and a nice black teacher offered us to join in. It was so fun! Think how random that is though, lol. And she shared with us her experience of the hurricane and said she thought it a blessing in disguise for New Orleans finally getting the attention it needs. Oh! and guess who I saw in the New Orleans airport?? GUESS?? Well, actually, it was the sister and mother of a very famous singer who hails from Liousiana and just happens to live in an LA mansion right now. Give up? I took a picture with the sister, so maybe I'll post it if you're totally desperate. Another cute story: the first day we were there, we went to a Jewish old age home (the trip was Hillel sponsored, what do you expect?) and there we played Bingo with them and sang to them. THEN! the piano was brought out and first Gal played a few songs, and then a gorgeous boy (and by gorgeous, I mean gorgeous. And of course by boy, I mean 15 years old) named Jared starting playing like nobody's business. So fucking sexy... he played so passionately, and a drop of sweat started dripping down his face...mmm... he was so yummy to look at (please disregard the fact I'm a pedophile...*sigh* why 15??) Oh, and get this, he's South African. Now, if you don't already know how I feel about south african men.... and their accents... then, you're just stupid. To sum up: he made me melt. We also went to a Jazz Club called the Snug Harbor, and the music was damn good. It might sound like a fun trip, but really, it was very frustrating. I just wanted to go home... which I didn't even get to do. And now, I have to deal with the first day of Spring Quarter classes, as well as the pain of having my wisdom teeth start to grow out... blah. Comment if you think you know who I saw at the airport... ( who flew coach, btw, surprisingly and admirably). Comment on anything else that you found interesting about my long ass description of how my Spring Break went... =)

Fri, 03 Mar 2006 06:05:02 GMT

Just cuz everyone else did...

Sun, 05 Feb 2006 21:43:11 GMT

Last night was Cocktail. I had such a good time. Jeff was very fun to be around. I got ready with Vanessa, Shelby, and Aastha, and around 6:00 he knocked on my door. He was wearing a purple shirt and tie and black sneakers (hehe). He looked really nice. I wore my black dress from prom, I looked great. We talked for a while, then he went on my computer. What a cute person he is, just so reserved and afraid. Heather and Sam picked us up and we went to Mimi’s Café where we met Gal, Matan, Michelle, Briel and their dates. It was pleasant… I had a salad but didn’t eat much of it, and Jeff offered to pay. That was nice of him. We were talking and laughing. Then we got to the dance and I had fun being silly with Shelby. I danced for a while without him, then he joined for a while. Matan snuck me a drink, that was awesome! And Jeff drank some of it too. At first, the dance was pretty boring because not many were dancing, but then it got much better. People were dancing and having a good time, and Jeff danced with me, despite his fear. He really loosened up. I’m glad he did and gave it a chance. We had fun. While dancing, you tend to get... uhh.... close with your partner. Tee-hee! It's lamost like an excuse to touch inappropriately.... so needless to say, I had fun dancing with Jeff =)

He didn’t touch me as much, I think he was trying to be polite, or didn’t know how to, or just doesn’t like me. Whatever. I know he thinks I’m pretty and had fun. I know he’s glad he went. I don’t have a crush on him, but I find him attractive and wanted him to kiss me at the end of the night. He didn’t. Gay? I don’t think so. Just very much afraid of his own shadow. When I took my shoes off to dance, he said “I’m gonna step on you”, even though he never did. He always assumes the worst will happen because of very little self esteem. My feet were sore by the end of the night, and I was exhausted from dancing so much. Really, I danced with everybody and took so many great pictures. At the end the stupid DJ finally played a slow song, so we slow danced =) mmmm. Sweet.

Tue, 17 Jan 2006 01:53:14 GMT

goddamnit, get out of my head!!!

eh, that's better. so this weekend was fun, Meir took my home. I saw "Fun with Dick and Jane" with my family- twas pretty good. I'm about to go eat dinner with Aastha, that should be fun... all I will talk about is Jeff since she is the person I can talk to about this. She understands because she knows how sweet he is. He's sick- he got what I'm recovering from, and I felt the strongest urge to go up to his room (even though I believe he's napping) and make him tea and cough drops... aka have a reason to go up to his room and have him finnally make his move. But eh, i doubt he'll do anything now because he's really sick, and says he feels "gross". It's a good thing we got each others' screen names. But gosh... I really want to get to know him better. I might be going to DC again! This time for policy conference, which is supposedly more intense and that kinda scares me, but Liron should be going to this one, which will make it 10 times better since she's my *twin* in EPhi. I love her. ok, food time =)

Thu, 05 Jan 2006 03:34:36 GMT

This just in... Israel's prime minister Ariel Sharon had a massive stroke... he's on respirator, and powers were already tranffered to Ehud Olmert...

let's pray he makes it.

Wed, 04 Jan 2006 04:23:53 GMT

Tue, 03 Jan 2006 05:18:02 GMT

DC was awesome! Best experience ever. I'm so glad I went. AIPAC is probably the kind of PAC i want to actually be involved with... because I'm not necessarily a very politically oriented person, but I am necessarily an Israeli and in love with the Jewish state... so yeah, this might work. =)

I need to be stimulated. I need to feel alive again. Lately, I've been spending a lot of time at home, usually by my computer, waisting away so much precious time that could be spent doing something productive. But it seems like I lack any real motivation to do anything... lol it's embaressing. Honestly, I just don't believe anything could happen out here that's worth anything. Comparing what I have here in the Desert with what I found in DC is a little depressing... it only makes me want what I don't have and lament over not having it. *sigh* I'm trying to read the signs, but sometimes they are muddled and cryptic.

Going back to Irvine is both exciting and annoying to think about. I'm actually not dreading the school work or anything, but just... I don't know. I know I don't wanna stay here anymore, bleh. There's nothing to do here, it's sooooo boring. Being in DC was like being high for me, really, it was. So I guess now going back to Irvine where these kind of people are harder to find is gonna suck at first, but i'll slowly get used to it. I should clarify that it's not DC that I'm obssessing over, it's the people that went to this conference. I miss them. And they all live on the east coast, which sucks majorly, since it means I probably wont see them ever again. I saw "Love Actually" again today, it's gotta be one of the best movies ever made =) It makes me happy. There are 3 songs on there that I'm in love with.

I think my problem is I look too deep into people. I see them.... If you can even consider that a problem. The only way it can become a problem is if they don't reciprocate, because then I'm hurt, and reminded that most of them don't really care to do so. Then, it's the finding the right person who cares enough to look deep inside you and focus on you...and all your glory. When will that happen for me??? I think i've been looking for that for far too long, it just makes me all the more anxious to find it, and now! I just have to trust that things will turn out for the best.

Thu, 15 Dec 2005 00:46:22 GMT

We visited the high school today! Megan, Eric, Kim, and I met up with Frank there and hung out at various places. It was really awesome, and yet seriously bizzar to be there. Just kind of brought back a lot of memories...but i'm happy with how things are with my friends now. We seem to all really get along well and make each other laugh. It's really nice, to have this comfort zone I can resort to whenever needed.

I'm in love with this song. It's been in my head for the past 2 days, and every second I love it even more. I looked up the lyrics and today I belted the song while Ariel danced along....I love my brothers :-) Sometimes I just feel the way he describes in this song...

So I went on windows messenger because that's where I talk to Israeli people (mostly strangers, but it's just cool to speak Hebrew to them and freak them out by telling them I live in California) and this guy signed on, his name is Elad. I remember talking to him before and him being really awesome. So he said "hi" and I said "hey! do you remember me"? and he was like "remind me where you're from" and I told him and we started chatting. Then he goes "so i'd like to get to know you better" and I was like "that's cool" and he asked for my number. I said "isn't it kinda expensive..." and tried to not let it happen, since it's kinda obvious he just wants sex from me, and he's 20 years old and probably really bored and all the way in Israel....so basically I was doubting his intentions with me. Even though I did find him very attractive and wouldn't mind it, I guess I was just scared of the thought of him calling me, cuz you know, it's a little weird. I don't do stuff like that. But he basically said "ok, nevermind, see u later" and just left. hmmm did I hurt his feelings? If I did, then he's a loser and I should never speak to him again. But if I didn't...then maybe I should have let him call me. I mean, c'mon, what could I lose? So I've been checking to see if he's online so that I can talk to him, and he never is. See, he's the kind of person who believs in fate, that's what I told me. And I'm a complete believer in fate- absolutely. So he was all "why fight it? just let things happen, see where it goes". We seemed to really share the same mentality and life style...I don't know. eh, whatever....it could have also been a complete waste. So yeah. Guess I'm just missing Israel, as usual, and longing for any sort of contact with Israelis.

Let's just wait and see what happens.

Sun, 11 Dec 2005 08:34:21 GMT

it feels so good to be home. for a month. after a week of finals :-)

apparently my grandpa's vision in his right eye is temporarily gone. there was a cernia i'm assuming (not really sure what happened) and now he has to wear an eye patch that has some sort of liquid in it. but the liquid can only touch his eye for a certain amount of time every couple of hours, so the rest of the time he has to rest his head, to the point he's looking at the floor. god, can you imagine? poor thing :( i'm glad he's ok though. my uncle grant (his son) is back to drinking and it is having a terrible effect on my grandparents, once again. all this crap is happening in my family that i've been pretty much unaware of. plus grant is probably the greatest person you'll ever meet, and he has to go and ruin it for everyone by drinking and using drugs. unfortunate, since the only real reason for all this is his certainty that he's a failure in life. it upsets me since i know there's really nothing i can do or say to make him realize he deserves better than this.but no, i refuse to get upset over this. my dad told me to expect his fall anytime soon (he's been sober for about 6 months, but has been an alcoholic most of his life). oh well. i guess i just want my grandparents to leave this earth with integrity and peace within them, and he's making this very hard to accomplish.

grr, ok, happiness :-) i'm really happy it's winter break!!! christmas makes me happy, even though i don't even celebrate it lol :-D i brought a whole lotta stuff with me from school, almost everything, because i just knew i'd need it. my brother is going through some tough times now because of finals, they're pretty much killer- because he takes insane classes, with his fancy "aerospace engineer" major, jeez. i hope he'll be ok. oh! i got an A- in psych :-) so insanely happy, because i got a B on my final which i studied a lot for, and was hoping that wouldn't bring down my grade. we'll see how i did on them other finals... but in general, i'm really glad i took these classes, since they were all interesting (to some degree), satisfied requirements, and were moderately difficult.

oh, and i'll leave you with a stupid incident: when meir and i got home, and i opened the back of his car to get my suitcases and stuff, the little window that lifts up actually FELL on my nose as i reached down. yup. i was afraid i broke it (because i love the way my nose looks lol) but it didn't hurt as much as it would have if it was broken. so now i have a purple mark on the upper part of my nose. umm....colorful for the holidays?

Wed, 07 Dec 2005 06:07:46 GMT

RAVEN EYES

You have Raven
Eyes!
Positive Traits: Intellectual,
Wise, Experienced, Honest,
Trustworthy
Negative Traits: Pompous,
Condescending, Withdrawn, Pessimistic,
Depressed

Your eyes are the windows to your soul. What type of eyes do you have?
brought to you by Quizilla

Mon, 05 Dec 2005 18:41:55 GMT

it's finals week. everyone's freaking out, while i'm just chillin'. not that i'm apathetic about my grades, just that i have a lot of time until my finals (2 on thursday, 1 on friday) and thery're not going to be insanely hard. and even if they were, i'm not gonna stress over it because i always end up losing that way, as evidenced with previous tests i've taken and was ready for, but didn't do as well as i could have. damn stress...it's overrated. :- P

EPhi is having this cocktails night next quarter, and we have to dress all formal and have dates. i've heard that the tradition is that girls ask guys to be their dates...i talked to maya (she's a 4th year), and she said i should ask jeff. she thinks he's really cute and that i need to be the initiator if i want anything to happen. i told her about the pin incident and she thought it was really cute. i'm not mad or bitter towards jeff at all... he actually IMed me with his brand new screen name and we have nice conversations. one thing that's annoying is how he says "hot chicks" to me. it's like...i don't wanna hear that! not at all. for example, we were talking about temple, and he says he's always afraid to approach "hot chicks" because he doesn't feel jewish enough. psh, idiot. or maybe he's saying this so that i will be jealous! whatever. i've realized all of this really doesn't matter to me. nowadays, everytime i see rick i just wave and smile like nothing is wrong, which i guess is right- nothing is wrong. do i like to create drama in my head? maybe it's because my life is so void of it. eh, who needs it. this shabbat was, once again, amazing. i slept at leauren's house again and we went to devorah's house for dinner. that was a little wierd for me because her husband (whom i thought was my age when i saw him at shul) didn't even introduce himself to me...it's ok, i just felt a bit odd, but matthew and yariv were there, and they always make me feel good. and then to make matters so much better, joe brought some shot glasses and the best vodka i'd ever tasted. blue ice. mmmm it was soo good. we had shabbat lunch the next day at matthew's house, and we saw derek and alex at shul and invited them too. sooooo much fun, because we sang like crazy, and at one point, we were belting out "bohemian rhapsody". that's right...the queen song is so appropriate for the shabbat lunch table. and then of course, matthew brought out the vodka. and wine. and beer. do i really need to say i had fun? :-D u see, the reason i have so much fun is not the liquor. it's the people around me and the atmosphere we create together that make the liquor taste so good. and probably the best part of shabbat was going to LA (which was after shabbat ended, actually). we wanted to go get shawarma, but we had dinner reservations instead. it was a persian/chinese restaurant, so awesome, but the reason it was so off the hook was because oren was there. i have a crush on this guy hehe. his entire family is from iraq, so yay for iraqi orthodox jews. he's 26 years old and graduated from uci. he works at some kind of company where he operates machinery, but he's probably one of the most awesome people i'll ever meet. this guy always laughs...always. and he has the most lovable laugh, and it's just so infectious. when he makes dirty jokes or sexual inuendos, it's h-i-l-a-r-i-o-u-s becuase of how unexpected it is, or just how religious he is. he's so silly for a man his age.but what a heart he has. it makes me smile just to think about it. :-)

i can't wait for winter break. i want to see all the people i saw during thanksgiving break, lol, which is porbably limiting myself, but who cares? when you have that much fun, it's only natural to want more of it. eric says we might stay at a motel for a week and just chill which would be awesome- exactly what i need. gosh it's getting sooo cold. i should probably go study for psych now. i spent the majority of yesterday studying for humanities... which i will ace, no doubt about it. well, for now i will bid thee adieu...and don't forget, love actually is all around you.

Wed, 30 Nov 2005 09:03:04 GMT

another asshole. another goddamn motherfucking asshole. rick fucker i hope you rott in fucking hell. fuck you fuck you fuck you, u dont deserve the air you breath, you measly little fool, i fucking hate you.

lol, ok.

rick has been acting like an asshole to me. so today during psych i tried to act angry but he didn't quite understand what i was doing. he thought i was merely tired, is all. so i went on ignroing him today (including during our hall meeting) but he was totally cluless. and then i finally IMed him, being all friendly at first, and then found out he honestly doesn't give a flying fuck about me being miserable, not even at the tiniest bit. so, here's our conversation:

iluvlennon4eva: by the way

iluvlennon4eva: i was trying to show u how mad i am at you today

iluvlennon4eva: but it didn't really work lol

iluvlennon4eva: ;-)

caChamelion: haha... that was what that was

iluvlennon4eva: unsuccessful

iluvlennon4eva: unfortunately

caChamelion: ya o well

iluvlennon4eva: yeah... well at least i know for future reference

caChamelion: ya thats true

iluvlennon4eva: well, im gonna go spend my time on something actually worth while

iluvlennon4eva: ill catch ya later

caChamelion: ttyl

iluvlennon4eva: can i ask u something though?

caChamelion: sure

iluvlennon4eva: why are u doing this to me:-(

caChamelion: what?

iluvlennon4eva: i dont know........

iluvlennon4eva: it's hard for me to explain it

caChamelion: yes you do

iluvlennon4eva: see, i have a sneaking suspicion u honestly dont care....

iluvlennon4eva: which means it's not worth it to explain

iluvlennon4eva: u kow?

caChamelion: about...?

iluvlennon4eva: about how i feel.....

caChamelion: ...

iluvlennon4eva: lol

caChamelion: i think i know i just am afriad to say at the same time becuase i dont want there to be a weirdness

iluvlennon4eva: but...u caused it!

caChamelion: how?

iluvlennon4eva: u let it happen even though u knew it was trouble

iluvlennon4eva: oh and by the way, there's always gonna be a weirdness lol

caChamelion: whoa whoa whoa... what did i let happen

iluvlennon4eva: it hurts to be played with....

iluvlennon4eva: u know?

caChamelion: played with???

iluvlennon4eva: oh c'mon rick

iluvlennon4eva: u honestly dont know what i mean?

caChamelion: no

iluvlennon4eva: i wish i could say nevermind

iluvlennon4eva: but it keeps bothering me

caChamelion: and i wish i new what you were talking about

iluvlennon4eva: uhh well.....u said u kinda have an idea, right

iluvlennon4eva: well what do u think? tell me

caChamelion: i think that you like me

iluvlennon4eva: hmm

iluvlennon4eva: and u have a girlfriend.....

caChamelion: yep

iluvlennon4eva: but why did you.....

iluvlennon4eva: lead me on

caChamelion: how did i do that.

iluvlennon4eva: i dont know.....

iluvlennon4eva: it just kinda hurts

caChamelion: all i tried to do was be nice and be a friend

iluvlennon4eva: yeah, i guess you're right

caChamelion: im sorry i wouldnt want to hurt you

iluvlennon4eva: yes i know

iluvlennon4eva: it's ok

caChamelion: are you ok?

iluvlennon4eva: yeah im fine

iluvlennon4eva: silly me

iluvlennon4eva: :-)

caChamelion: friends?

iluvlennon4eva: of course

caChamelion: :-D

FUCKER. BITCH. CUNT. ASSHOLE. rott in hell! just so you know, every smile or gesture that i'm ok was totally fake. i was dying inside. how could he not care, and be so casual about it? he honestly only said he was sorry because it was appropriate, not because he meant it. it hurts. but why does it? it's not like i know him or that he owes me anything. i actually had a feeling he saw something special in me... and that made me feel good. but look, he's acting like he doesn't know what i mean by "lead me on", even though he knows very well you don't just go to a person's room and flirt constantly when you know nothing will happen. fucking cocky son of a bitch. if only i could think of more cuss words...i don't think i've ever been this mad at a guy. yay! it's my first! i actually gave a crap and was played. what hurts the most is how little he cares. yup, that's what pretty much stabbs me in the heart. man, it feels so good to write about it. i feel a whole lot better now...probably from all the cussing, lol. by the way, when he said "ya oh well" after i told him i was mad, i was infuriated. oh fucker...you did not just do that. not only did he make me mad but wasn't even interested in knowing why???? what's also a first for me is not letting him see i'm crushed. u see, i could have very easily said "nevermind" and signed off, but that only would have bothered me (he couldn't care less) and i would have cried and lost sleep over it. but see, he's not worth that (he's not worth spitting on, btw, but that's neither here nor there). pretending that i'm ok proves to him how great i am without him! that i'm not this weakling that needs pitty...especially not his. God, why create such people? why make such a thing happen? well, i have to admit, it has made me stronger and a little wiser. not to fall into traps like that again. to be more careful and not as....hmmm whats the word? DESPERATE!!! i deserve someone better. who sees and appreciates (and respects) me for who i am. in truth, it really doesn't matter who's fault it is... what matters is that it happened. ok. i've accepted it.

next?

Tue, 29 Nov 2005 20:20:23 GMT

i feel so... meh. i should probably start from the beginning. ok, so remember jeff? tall guy from third floor? well, forget about him! scratch him completely from your memory because...well, i kinda overrated him. he's an ok guy, nothing more. however, jeff's neighbor, rick, is who i'm gonna be focusing on. all i can say is...charming. just plain charming (and short...very very short). anways, rick and i really get along, he's funny, we flirt,blah blah blah... but he has a girlfriend. he's been with her for 2 years and she seems like a sweet girl (according to facebook, i've never met her). on my birthday at around 11 pm i visited him with my friend vanessa. before leaving, i playfully kicked him, only to have him grab my leg and twist it, to which i responded by landing beautifully on my ass. vanessa, seeing how engaged i was, said goodnight, and we proceeded to wretsle. yes, i wrestled him. throughout the hallway....kicking, grabing, pulling, shoving, choking, and pulling hair. jeff and other third floor people came out of ther rooms and rooted for rick (fuckers). all this time i'm thinking "this is fun but kinda dangerous...wtf am i doing?" everyone kept yelling out "kick him in the balls", which i seriously considered, but couldn't get myself to do. heh i guess i have too good of a heart to do that to a guy. i was feeling embaressed because jeff was looking on as i was getting my ass kicked (for a tiny guy, this rick is unbelievably strong). by the time i fell and scraped my knee, i decided to give up. as i walked to the door that leads to the stairs, rick yelled out "happy birthday". i flipped him off and left. i ran to my room. i was tired and kinda pissed. wtf was that for? did that really have to happen? my knee hurt...then i hear a soft knock on the door. i looked in the peephole and saw it was rick. opening the door, not only was i angry but also kinda afraid he might start fighting some more. so i said quickly "what do u want"? he looked kinda shocked at my seeming anger, and said he just wanted to check if i was really pissed. i said yes, i was pissed. he said he thought we were just having fun. well, i guess he's right. he noticed heather wasn't there and kinda let himself in, but the door remained open. he was standing really close to me and i told him i was embaressed. he asked why and i told him i used to like jeff, and that this doesn't fit in to the whole "im so much better than you, fuck you, i don't need you", routine. he said i don't have to worry about him finding out, because as opposed to girls, guys don't talk to each other about stuff lol. so i went on talking to him, and he listened, smiled, and responded in all the right places. gosh i love his smile. i don't know how it happened, but i guess i was in the right physical position, and ended up kissing him on the cheek. he smiled and i could tell he wanted that to happen. after several instances where we had complete eye contact and we both had that "feeling", i tried to kinda wrap it up and have him go. i thanked him for checking up on me. he hugged me again (first time was upstairs) and said we should study for the psych final together. i asked him if he really thought this was a good idea, and he said "why not"? stupid. i have to actually remind myself he has a girlfriend, cuz he's not doing much to help. i went to sleep happy thinking about him and all of monday i couldn't get him out of my mind. but just 30 minutes ago i saw him at commons (with jeff, ironically enough) and he wasn't that friendly. he was actually on the phone with his girlfriend. poo. i guess life kinda slaps you on the face from time to time...reminding you you don't live in a fairytale? and that not everything is perfect. this guy is catholic, so i'm guessing no future there anway. so...eh. now i need to somehow study a little before my psych lecture, where i will for sure bump into him and sit next to him, whcih is completely distracting and not so good for my grade. oh well.

im looking for signs...i really do believe something is about to happen to me...it's just around the corner. i can feel it. i just... need to read the signs.

Tue, 29 Nov 2005 01:38:05 GMT